Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I have been thinking a lot lately about one's place in life. Are we destined to be where we are or is it completely up to our decisions?
I wanna say that it is all about fate. That no matter what we do, we end up in the same place with the same people. I believe that wherever one is in life they are meant to be there. There is a reason why everything turns out the way it does, I believe. But does that mean that it is predestined? If we might "the one" and go through life with them, was that always going to happen no matter what decisions we make.
Or is it the opposite? Do we miss out on opportunities due to the decisions we make? If I had said that thing when I wanted to, would my life be totally different? Did I ever have the chance at that life or was I always going to end up like this?
There is something easier about thinking that our lives are predestined outcomes. That fate determines where we are in life and nothing that we do would make it different. Thinking that way lifts the responsibility of our life decisions. There is no reason to regret what our lives are like or the decisions that we have made in the past because it was always going to happen and meant to be that way.
When we think that our lives' are products of fate and destiny each decision matters a lot and should be taken seriously. This life is harder to take in. It means that all the responsibility lies with us and there is no way out of it. Although, I would still say that regrets are unnecessary. You cannot change the past or what you have done in it, so what is the point in dwelling on it with thoughts of regret?

Meanwhile, I sit here. Wondering, wishing life were easy, and grateful that it is not.

Uninspired But Content

I was looking at the title of the blog and realizing something. Right now, I see life as very uninspiring. I am not quite sure what I am doing with myself right now or where I am going. Yet, I am oddly okay with that. Sure, not all of me is and I feel the looming effects of my seasonal depression occasionally, but I really am okay. I have started a new life and so far it is absolutely nothing like I thought it would be. That relationship that I thought would change everything for me, did. Just not in the way that I had planned. But if there is one thing that I truly know, it is that my plans rarely, if ever, come true. I always have amazing sounding plans for my life and for my future. But my reality begs to differ and changes my plans constantly. And that inconsistency is somewhat comforting. It has been the way my life has worked for so long that I am not sure that I would know what to do with myself if it stopped.

I think that my unpredictable life is what leads me to love watching t.v. and movies and reading books all the time. Sure, I have a tendency to be critical of all of those things, but I love them because they allow me to escape from my reality. I usually will identify in some way to every thing I read or watch, but I know that they are not how my life is going and that is okay. And despite the fact that I wish that the predictability of a cheesy romantic comedy would be my reality, my crazy life never ceases to surprise me and I am determined to love it and live it out in the best way I can.

"I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life"

Starting Over... Again

Clearly, I am not so great at this remembering to blog thing.. though since I do this mainly as on outlet for my thoughts and not because I expect an audience, I guess that's okay.

I have drastically changed my life again. I decided to leave Nyack College. I gained an associates degree and decided that that is what God had in store for me there; two years of growing, stretching, and all-around changing. I met some people that will have a life-long impact on me, and I'm hoping some of them stay as life-long friends. Though, unfortunately, that can't be controlled. What I do know is that I will never forget them.

For multiple reasons, the New York life is now behind me. Instead, I am a student at the University of Idaho. I decided to go to a state school to be closer to home, though I am still not really close (8-9 hr drive) I am hoping that this change is what I need. It has opened up an opportunity for me to join a sorority (Peace, Love AΓ∆) and to be part of a relationship with someone I have been friends with for about four years now.

I am excited about this new step in my life, and am just hoping that things work out for the best.
"I'm in love all right, with my crazy beautiful life"

Italia 2011

Happy New Year :]

I broke into 2011 by hopping a plane to Venice, Italy. No, I'm not privileged enough to have a pleasure trip during winter break. I took part in a three credit fine arts course through my college. Basically, I spent two weeks in Northern Italy visiting museums, palaces, villas, churches and a couple of houses. I was lucky enough to also mark two decades of life by visiting Verona and seeing Juliet's house, balcony and statue.

One of my favorite things in the world to do is travel. Every time I visit a new country and see a new culture I feel as though a part of me is being fulfilled. I've done it. I have gone off and experienced something that most people only dream of. I feel as though I am being hit lately by an astounding amount of loss and mortality. Each time it confronts me, I have an inward reaction with a need to seize the day and take opportunities I would normally deem impossible or less important. I.E. spending $2,900 that I did not have (until I made a deal with the government) to run off to Italy for two weeks. Taking steps such as that one, make me feel like I'm doing my part. I am using the gifts that God gives me and walking through His door of opportunity. Even when that door has some pot holes on the other side.

The trip was amazing. I was able to get lost in a city full of dead ends, water, boats, delicious food, and great shopping. I got to travel an hour away to experience a different part of Italy; a part that inspired an internationally famous love story. I experienced Italians' fearless driving to see the amazing work of God known as the Alps and meet a man who has literally given up EVERYTHING to do the work God has called him to.
But there were down sides also. I had to stretch my patience, adaptability, and willingness to accept complete loss of control. It wasn't a trip of complete smiles and sunshine. There was rain, freezing temperatures, and definitely tears. I got to a breaking point where I realized something extra important and seemingly obvious. The only way to take the next step forward is to give it ALL up to God. Turning my iPod to my Christian genre and giving my sanity to Him is the only thing that kept me from falling over the edge.

And now, after it is all over, I only know one thing. I am not in control and nothing in my future is absolute.

Brown Eyed and Purple Haired

Have you ever just needed a change? I mean REALLY needed a change? That's how I've been feeling lately. I'm so antsy, just staying in one place for so long. And that's not just concerning my location. I've been at school now for almost two months, so not really that long. But I certainly feel like I have been here longer. I feel as though I'm stuck and can't seem to find a way to move. 


I complain about my job, but what's truly wrong with it? I should feel lucky, I mean I'm a college student with a job within walking distance of where I live. I don't have to pay the majority of taxes due to the work-study nature. And I work in an open environment with people that I genuinely care for. And to top it all off, I'm good at the job. So why is it that I find myself constantly complaining and dreading when it comes time to go to work?


I have a problem with being content where I am. I love my friends, but I have good ones elsewhere that I want to be with. I love my family, but I have family in a different state that I want to see too. I love the view, but I have a view somewhere else that's a different kind of pretty. I like my classes, but I wish I was working on my career. I'm enjoying being single, but I wish I had someone to love. This could go on and on and on, but I'll stop here.


I think my point's been made. I need to focus on one thing at a time and allow God to work through the situation I'm in now. Otherwise, I do things that randomly dye my hair purple and chop off the a-line.


Proverbs 19:23 "The fear of the LORD leads to life: then one rests content, untouched by trouble."
Philippians 4:11 "Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."

"Where words fail, music speaks"

this music is really inspiring to me (and I chose the video with the clips because I happen to LOVE this move :)

Pride and Prejudice -  A Postcard to Henry Purcell

Blessed

I went from living in a place with this....

To one with this view...

I sure am blessed by God's beauty.